Then and now

I can honestly say that I have hoped to one day get a CI since I first ever read about them...the very idea! Wow! Didn't think it really would ever apply to me but always said 'IF my hearing gets so bad that I would improve with one of those things...I'm up for it'. James has always been against it really... '...there will be no holes bored in my head...ever!' But that was more for him, and he has (infuriatingly) perfect hearing. The thought of 'them' boring holes in my head did not please him much either...and to be honest neither of us thought it would ever apply.

But now it does!

It has been a long time coming because I was oooh, 28? when all this nonsense started. I'm now 58... 59 next week so a good 30 years. I've gone through six pairs of hearing aids in ever advancing state-of-the-art styles (including the pair I accidentally flushed down the loo). The five to six years between each new model has always been long enough to keep up with my ever-decreasing hearing range, and technological advances made sure I didn't need to wear bigger and bigger apparatus. They got smaller and more super-duper every time, and are now of course digital, which sees them connected to computers for the fine tuning...amazing bloody things really! And of course ever more expensive!

I've always had two of the 'best of the best', mostly covered by health (and other) insurance(s) here in NL. I've had 'em in blue too! Never been bothered about them being seen - although I didn't go quite so far as to decorate them I do love this idea. I remember struggling with them at first...only wore them for TV use the first couple of years. Silly when I think of it now but, having them set properly and comfortably to your hearing range is very important as well as time consuming, and you keep putting things off, or you just 'cope with them'.

I got ever more demanding of good settings I think, (and why not!?) but it is a frustrating period, those first months after getting new ones. I'm of course the only one that can say if I'm hearing ok with them right now... and even when set to your audiogramme via the computer, that need not say that you hear good with them! You also have to try things out and 'get used' to the sounds you are hearing, so it was back and forwards to the shop, and sometimes even the AMC (Amsterdam Medical Centre) for fine tuning, every new pair of 'ears' - it can be very frustrating. Now here I'm talking about Hearing Aids... and I know the same goes IN SPADES for a CI.

It's now about two years (more?) since I read a call for volunteers to be double sided implanted at the UMC (Utrecht Medical Centre).'Ah'll dae it!' says me. Double sided is generally considered best.... same as having two hearing aids is best (two ears!) - (and I will of course continue to wear one hearing aid on the right side). But as it is of course so expensive, insurance companies are still refusing to 'conform', it not being clinically proven that 2 is any better. So a trial was needed to implant a group of folks  - half with 2 implants immediately, half with one for a year followed by a 2nd in year 2. The whole group would then have two at the end of two years and various tests and measurements would hopefully prove the real usefulness of double implantation (I'm not aware of the trial results)..

So 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' and I put myself forward as a guinea-pig. Long story short, my hearing was still not bad enough to require one so I couldn't take part in the trial but I was 'on the edge' so to speak and perhaps in the not too distant future I would be suitable for one at least. Recommended to come back at regular intervals to see.

This I did. Me and P would make a day of 'ladies wot do lunch' followed by (window) shopping in Utrecht out of it so it was no hardship. A couple of times was no, still not in line for a CI but then all of a sudden, 'Yes, your hearing would be significantly improved'...woop woop! It's a mixed reaction of course because well...it means my hearing has deteriorated significantly which is no fun...so hmmm woop woop? Next visit was to be more tests so J went with me...only to be told 'ahem, the machine had just been recalibrated so gave a wrong reading last time, so now you are back to 'on the edge'. aw naw! What now?

OK so we schedule a CI social worker session together. This was a rather trying and telling consultation that pinpointed my frustrations about my lack of hearing in general and my suitability or otherwise for a CI in particular! I was totally taken aback with how the SW seemed to know which button to press to have me dissolve into tears...so unexpected! I actually wasn't going to go back, it was kinda depressing. But J (of all people!) convinced me we needed to have another session and hammer stuff out and give them a proper chance to decide whether to really put me forward as a good candidate or not...and not just wimp out, then always wonder if I should perhaps have persevered - especially as I'd wanted this for so long.

He was right too. Apparently, my 'attitude' is all wrong... who knew?!... and I myself contribute to the difficulties I experience in communication (on all levels, with all folks). So I promised to work on that and honestly have been doing so... I think. A final consultation seemed to convince the SW that A) I can and will cope with a CI and B) I understand where I've been making things harder than necessary. Now, that was then, and this is now, so don't be pulling me up on it but it was useful to be confronted in that way and I really do try and remember to work on things. :)

The next we were to hear was 'the decision' and a letter duly arrived with an appointment with a surgeon already! so while still not certain, we did kinda think it must be a 'yes', and it was (although if I'm honest here, J was the one that was certain, I only gave it 20% chance and was really pretty flabbergasted to be wrong...again - are you sensing a pattern?). Dr Topsakal explained everything and filled his consultation with worst case scenarios and 'reasons why not to' so was very down to earth about it all. He was very patient and answered all our questions then said 'you are now in the planning to be operated on in January or February... see you then'. :))

So yes, I am prepared for shitty times as well as days of wonder. The op is the least I'm bothered about but ask me again around March ;)

I hereby promise to do my best to do my duty to... oh no wait, that's the Brownie code :) But seriously I am going to pull out all the stops on this one and really try to make the transition to HEARING with a CI as physically and mentally painless as possible. Not just for me but for J too who is of course totally wired to be my partner in this whole shebang. It's a big commitment by all accounts and not to be taken lightly. Another reason I'm writing in here is to document the whole process.

I'm told I will be getting a Med-El apparatus, which is fine by me. There are various manufacturers all much of a muchness so I have no preference and what I read on the Med-El models sounds cool to me. The surgeon said he's used them to his satisfaction regularly already and is why it is his choice for me. I could ask for another type if I wanted but have no reason to do so. Not sure what model I will get but have to say I do fancy the Rondo...time will tell if that is suitable for me, don't want to jump the gun and will be content with what I am given.

I'm aiming for conversations with J (others too of course but especially him) where he doesn't have to repeat things, or rephrase them, even if I'm not looking at his lips. Oh how terrific will that be? I'm aiming on not losing my grandsons' interest when in years to come they are all talking to their grammy but she can't hear them! The very idea that that could be a thing of the past is so heartening!. I still remember how awful it was when wee E would cry when I asked her to 'say something again for mummy'... she just never did understand why...ah she was only wee.

So... bye bye to a lot of frustrations... and hello hello to new, different ones (for a while perhaps). I've honestly only heard good reports about CI use from users of varying degrees from totally (born) deaf, to late (totally) deaf, to HoH folks like me. I did LOL at one report of someone losing their new one...and finding it hanging by the magnet to the metal lamp standard behind the waiting room chair. :) Every specialist I've spoken to has impressed upon me that I WILL hear better with one and it can only be an improvement so... I'm ready, willing and waiting on the whole nine yards. I am also very appreciative of the fact that the procedure is covered by health insurance.

I also kind of like the whole 'Bionic Woman' trip if I'm honest ;)