I'm getting an upgrade!
It's five years since my implant and switch on so, here in NL you are automatically in line for a new CI processor. I say 'automatically' but couldn't stop thinking about it and thought it would be a shame if it was delayed so, I 'enquired; hehe. 'Well yes, you are due in a couple of weeks' (switch on was three weeks after implant so only dates from that day... of course). My being a tad previous got the ball rolling and my spanking new MedEl Rondo 2 is now ordered and once 'in house' I will get appointments for a fitting.
I'm wondering if it will make much difference sound wise so it's quite exciting. Convenience wise, I will no longer have to buy batteries as you just charge it up every night. Hoping that goes smoothly! Should save at least a hundred bucks a year. Not a lot, given that the thing costs many thousands, so not complaining about having had to spend that much, just saying. It's also slightly smaller and lighter. There is still no direct Bluetooth connection unless wearing an audio loop but that's no insurmountable problem.
Watch this space for how it all goes.
Thursday, January 31, 2019
Friday, January 25, 2019
Memory
...as in: LOSING it.
It does worry me. A tad. Not a lot, not enough to make me get checked over. Just enough to make me look stuff up and worry some more.
It's like a competition in this house, seeing who's done the daftest thing or forgotten what was being spoken about in the middle of a conversation, again (say that to sound like Forrest Gump), but I suppose we all do that. That's what I tell myself anyway. There are, however, wee worrying signs. Wee hints that make you wonder... 'could it be a sign?...'
And yet... you don't want to sound like a total loony and wasting your doctor's time eh? And we do all forget stuff! So this blog, if nothing else, will record the times I did wonder.
Then I hear myself saying 'if it gets BAD, I won't know, so...' and 'if I do have Altzheimer's... let's call a spade a spade... or anything resembling it... do I want to know?' Total wipe-out time getting such a diagnosis... no? I mean, how long do you wait before topping yourself? Just that bit too long so that you don't?! And then live out your life in total limbo, not knowing anyone, until you forget how to swallow, how to breathe. It's really scary shit!
I am confronted on almost a daily basis with 'silly' things, which are confrontational enough but, like just the other day...
Facebook posted an 'on this day' thingy, as it does every day, and this particular 'memory' was a killer.
Let me quote it here, it's from six years ago.
17 Jan. 2013
Me: has been made to feel a Philistine once again but... Tom Waites singing Waltzing Matilda... Stuff of legend or painful to the average person's ears, deaf or not? I just don't get it, despite regular exposure over the last 40 years. Discuss.
Emma: That song will always play a big part in my life. One, as in general Tom Waits just reminds me of dad (in a good way). And two - T used to sing Waltzing Mathilda to Fin when unsettled and it straight away settled him. Then on our first visit to Holland when Fin was only 5 weeks old, he became unsettled and dad said: "I'll play him one of my favourite tunes, that'll sort him out." And low and behold - it was Tom Waits', Waltzing Mathilda. Settled Finlay straight away and made AJ & I well up. A beautiful moment. 😉 X
Me: Did not know that Emma. ... I like him more now 😁
Emma: you did know this at the time it happened. You were there and also welled up when we told you the link. Your memory is getting worse.
Me: Sure is, no recollection.
Me six years later:
funnier yet Em... I have no recollection of this recollection!
So that was a really strange one... something I really should have remembered back then already, and then forgetting being told about it, again, or actually, forgetting it had ever been discussed or mentioned before? My head's mince, telling ye! I forgot something from way back, was reminded but had no recollection six years ago, then just this week, forgot I'd been reminded and had no recollection of even the very discussion about it! And to top it all, more comments were made this week, but I had already forgotten what was being discussed and had to scroll up to read it again. Ok, so I'm remembering NOW but still... god but your brain, your memory... it's weird eh?
Then there's the total inability to tell you when we went to a particular place on holiday. I used to be able to remind myself with 'oh the kids were only xx years old then so it must have been 19xx'... but certainly since the millennium and no kids to go on... NO idea. Sometimes I'm even in doubt if we've been a place, which is why I like my FB photo albums. They really help. When I see a photo, I really do remember stuff, it's not a blank canvas entirely! Lots of times I'll actually know I was at such a place and we ate there and remember what a lovely meal we had there and we share the memories and it's all awww, but, when it was?... not a clue!
Folks dying too... Getting really bad at remembering when even folks important to me actually died. That bugs me. I should be able to say the date, the year at least! But nope, I need to look it up every bloody time. A couple of dates went by recently before I realised. This is not ok.
I wrote in here about getting my CI. Is why I started blogging at all. If it wasn't for Facebook, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know the date of my operation and I'd honestly intended for that to be a big thing. Because it is! I told someone recently it happened in February and I know it was coming up to five years and switch on was after six weeks. Turns out, it was in January... five years was right, but I was switched on after only three weeks. And the recently operated person I'd told was amazed at herself being switched on at three weeks already and I amazed with her! I even said 'protocols change'. Until FB reminded me and I reread my own blog. It's confusticating! Why... HOW can I forget stuff like that? It makes it look like I don't care, am not bothered!
A few years ago already, (this has been going on a while) I sat at my desk with a pot of tea. Then went to put the kettle on and was searching for the teapot. Couldn't understand why it was on my desk and didn't believe it when I realised it had hot tea in it. Totally no recollection of making it! That was actually a scary one. Let's not count the times I've poured myself a cup of hot water, having totally forgotten the t-bag. I can laugh at it all, but it's starting to add up.
So I did a bunch of tests from the Internet last week. Pretty sure I managed them ok, but you only get a proper 'result' if you take it to the doctor. SAGE tests. I did all four available and did all four in less than half the allotted time. I refuse to believe they're a mess haha. And I can still draw a clock and put the pointy... thingies... what do you call them again? at the correct time. Hands, clock hands! See that's another bit of it, forgetting the words for familiar items. I put that down to confusion between Dutch and English but... dunno. Sometimes I can't think of the Dutch word either haha. Not always handy, me being a translator and all!
Daily, I can be scrolling down my FB page and I say to myself oh, must look that up... and scroll further, two, three seconds... and have NO idea what I was interested enough in, to want to look up. I can scroll back up but only sometimes do I find what it was, am reminded by something. I find that bloody annoying and mildly disconcerting. It's 99% unlikely to have been anything important but really, it could just as well be! It's, if I don't do 'whatever' right there and then, I'll forget. But then, if I do 'whatever' right there and then, I often enough forget what I was doing previously and pick up something else that interests me... or perhaps actually needs doing... and only remember I was in the middle of something when something else jogs my memory. It's frustrating to be me sometimes.
See for instance, for this very blog, I was looking up FB to try and find the memory with Emma I'd forgotten about. But got sidetracked and, two hours later, only just remembered that FB is open where I was trying to find it! I do despair! But hey, I found it, much further back than I thought (I'd have said three days tops, but it was a whole week!)
Then there's the boots I found in the cupboard a couple of years back... never seen them before! Obviously worn before and bought by me, myself and I, but had no recollection. Like getting new boots, so was great! haha. But I've since seen photos of myself in previous years, wearing them. So a wee light did eventually dawn but... it was really on a peep and I don't really remember buying them. Yet I have shoes in the same cupboard I've had for donkeys and do remember, well...not buying them exactly, but knew they were mine, Well of course I do! So this pair was weird. And cosy, if unfamiliar.
Missing items. The saga of the missing cheese slice. That was a corker really. Had the thing for years, suddenly, on returning from a trip, no longer in the kitchen drawer. My fault of course! 'You had it!' Now I knew I had taken it (long story, not important) but I also knew I'd brought it back, and this had been weeks previous. I knew I knew I knew I'd collected it! So weeks pass and I see a cheese slice being used... but it's not the cheese slice, it's a different one. Who bought that then? Not me! Not him! So where did that come from? Will forever remain a mystery. Another week further on and I wear a jacket not worn in months. What's in the pocket? The missing cheese slice! haha. Plus another one. We had two? So I had indeed brought it home, two even. But where on earth did the other one come from, the new one? Well, obviously I'd bought it at some point but... totally no recollection. Or maybe he did, who knows?
Then the scraper for the glass hob top. Hadn't had a blade for it in years so was tossed, with the idea of finally buying a new one. Could never find one! So, more years and we did without but I was always looking, not actively (my life isn't quite so boring) but you know, when you're out and about. I'm messing about in the shed this day and find... a new scraper, still in the packet. Who bought it? Probably me but it could have been anybody and neither of us knows when or how long it had been lying there. I'd only the week previously... I remember this part... bemoaned never being able to find this totally simple tool 'surely someplace has them!' And now here was one, must have been found, somewhere. This one had better last a long time as if it needs replacing, I still have no idea where to buy one! To add insult to injury, we've done without for so long, we find it not as useful as we'd hoped anyway.
...........................
It's a new day and before continuing to write this I checked my mail. Switching from mail to browser and I forgot why before the browser was open. It was to do something, prompted by... something... I just read in a mail! But I have no idea what, so... it's this that annoys, worries me, the most. I do this regularly and it really hinders me. My best bet is to just leave it alone, literally forget about it (how ironic is that) and sometimes, just sometimes, it comes back to me. But I'm talking seconds here. So even saying 'right I'll do it now before I forget' leaves me lost. Hmmm.
None of the above would speak for me being a very good witness I'm thinking. 'Yes your honour, it was definitely him. I remember seeing... [fill in the gaps].' Any good defence lawyer would rip me to bits! Totally unreliable testimony! Which would be so unfair if I really did remember something eh? :)
Even old memories, I sometimes wonder if I muddle them. They are my memories though so I suppose it doesn't really matter. Until it does. Like, if it causes a dispute about something important. You never know. So that's another wee worry. Me? Worry? Nonono.
I know that as my own mum got older we'd be saying 'aye, she's getting a bit... you know...' and I really don't want that for myself but worry I'm heading that way. Just don't let me catch you saying it!
Maybe I should start hanging address labels on everything, just in case, like evacuees during the war.
If you see me wandering about in dressing gown and slippers, please return to...
It does worry me. A tad. Not a lot, not enough to make me get checked over. Just enough to make me look stuff up and worry some more.
It's like a competition in this house, seeing who's done the daftest thing or forgotten what was being spoken about in the middle of a conversation, again (say that to sound like Forrest Gump), but I suppose we all do that. That's what I tell myself anyway. There are, however, wee worrying signs. Wee hints that make you wonder... 'could it be a sign?...'
And yet... you don't want to sound like a total loony and wasting your doctor's time eh? And we do all forget stuff! So this blog, if nothing else, will record the times I did wonder.
Then I hear myself saying 'if it gets BAD, I won't know, so...' and 'if I do have Altzheimer's... let's call a spade a spade... or anything resembling it... do I want to know?' Total wipe-out time getting such a diagnosis... no? I mean, how long do you wait before topping yourself? Just that bit too long so that you don't?! And then live out your life in total limbo, not knowing anyone, until you forget how to swallow, how to breathe. It's really scary shit!
I am confronted on almost a daily basis with 'silly' things, which are confrontational enough but, like just the other day...
Facebook posted an 'on this day' thingy, as it does every day, and this particular 'memory' was a killer.
Let me quote it here, it's from six years ago.
17 Jan. 2013
Me: has been made to feel a Philistine once again but... Tom Waites singing Waltzing Matilda... Stuff of legend or painful to the average person's ears, deaf or not? I just don't get it, despite regular exposure over the last 40 years. Discuss.
Emma: That song will always play a big part in my life. One, as in general Tom Waits just reminds me of dad (in a good way). And two - T used to sing Waltzing Mathilda to Fin when unsettled and it straight away settled him. Then on our first visit to Holland when Fin was only 5 weeks old, he became unsettled and dad said: "I'll play him one of my favourite tunes, that'll sort him out." And low and behold - it was Tom Waits', Waltzing Mathilda. Settled Finlay straight away and made AJ & I well up. A beautiful moment. 😉 X
Me: Did not know that Emma. ... I like him more now 😁
Emma: you did know this at the time it happened. You were there and also welled up when we told you the link. Your memory is getting worse.
Me: Sure is, no recollection.
Me six years later:
funnier yet Em... I have no recollection of this recollection!
So that was a really strange one... something I really should have remembered back then already, and then forgetting being told about it, again, or actually, forgetting it had ever been discussed or mentioned before? My head's mince, telling ye! I forgot something from way back, was reminded but had no recollection six years ago, then just this week, forgot I'd been reminded and had no recollection of even the very discussion about it! And to top it all, more comments were made this week, but I had already forgotten what was being discussed and had to scroll up to read it again. Ok, so I'm remembering NOW but still... god but your brain, your memory... it's weird eh?
Then there's the total inability to tell you when we went to a particular place on holiday. I used to be able to remind myself with 'oh the kids were only xx years old then so it must have been 19xx'... but certainly since the millennium and no kids to go on... NO idea. Sometimes I'm even in doubt if we've been a place, which is why I like my FB photo albums. They really help. When I see a photo, I really do remember stuff, it's not a blank canvas entirely! Lots of times I'll actually know I was at such a place and we ate there and remember what a lovely meal we had there and we share the memories and it's all awww, but, when it was?... not a clue!
Folks dying too... Getting really bad at remembering when even folks important to me actually died. That bugs me. I should be able to say the date, the year at least! But nope, I need to look it up every bloody time. A couple of dates went by recently before I realised. This is not ok.
I wrote in here about getting my CI. Is why I started blogging at all. If it wasn't for Facebook, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know the date of my operation and I'd honestly intended for that to be a big thing. Because it is! I told someone recently it happened in February and I know it was coming up to five years and switch on was after six weeks. Turns out, it was in January... five years was right, but I was switched on after only three weeks. And the recently operated person I'd told was amazed at herself being switched on at three weeks already and I amazed with her! I even said 'protocols change'. Until FB reminded me and I reread my own blog. It's confusticating! Why... HOW can I forget stuff like that? It makes it look like I don't care, am not bothered!
A few years ago already, (this has been going on a while) I sat at my desk with a pot of tea. Then went to put the kettle on and was searching for the teapot. Couldn't understand why it was on my desk and didn't believe it when I realised it had hot tea in it. Totally no recollection of making it! That was actually a scary one. Let's not count the times I've poured myself a cup of hot water, having totally forgotten the t-bag. I can laugh at it all, but it's starting to add up.
So I did a bunch of tests from the Internet last week. Pretty sure I managed them ok, but you only get a proper 'result' if you take it to the doctor. SAGE tests. I did all four available and did all four in less than half the allotted time. I refuse to believe they're a mess haha. And I can still draw a clock and put the pointy... thingies... what do you call them again? at the correct time. Hands, clock hands! See that's another bit of it, forgetting the words for familiar items. I put that down to confusion between Dutch and English but... dunno. Sometimes I can't think of the Dutch word either haha. Not always handy, me being a translator and all!
Daily, I can be scrolling down my FB page and I say to myself oh, must look that up... and scroll further, two, three seconds... and have NO idea what I was interested enough in, to want to look up. I can scroll back up but only sometimes do I find what it was, am reminded by something. I find that bloody annoying and mildly disconcerting. It's 99% unlikely to have been anything important but really, it could just as well be! It's, if I don't do 'whatever' right there and then, I'll forget. But then, if I do 'whatever' right there and then, I often enough forget what I was doing previously and pick up something else that interests me... or perhaps actually needs doing... and only remember I was in the middle of something when something else jogs my memory. It's frustrating to be me sometimes.
See for instance, for this very blog, I was looking up FB to try and find the memory with Emma I'd forgotten about. But got sidetracked and, two hours later, only just remembered that FB is open where I was trying to find it! I do despair! But hey, I found it, much further back than I thought (I'd have said three days tops, but it was a whole week!)
Then there's the boots I found in the cupboard a couple of years back... never seen them before! Obviously worn before and bought by me, myself and I, but had no recollection. Like getting new boots, so was great! haha. But I've since seen photos of myself in previous years, wearing them. So a wee light did eventually dawn but... it was really on a peep and I don't really remember buying them. Yet I have shoes in the same cupboard I've had for donkeys and do remember, well...not buying them exactly, but knew they were mine, Well of course I do! So this pair was weird. And cosy, if unfamiliar.
Missing items. The saga of the missing cheese slice. That was a corker really. Had the thing for years, suddenly, on returning from a trip, no longer in the kitchen drawer. My fault of course! 'You had it!' Now I knew I had taken it (long story, not important) but I also knew I'd brought it back, and this had been weeks previous. I knew I knew I knew I'd collected it! So weeks pass and I see a cheese slice being used... but it's not the cheese slice, it's a different one. Who bought that then? Not me! Not him! So where did that come from? Will forever remain a mystery. Another week further on and I wear a jacket not worn in months. What's in the pocket? The missing cheese slice! haha. Plus another one. We had two? So I had indeed brought it home, two even. But where on earth did the other one come from, the new one? Well, obviously I'd bought it at some point but... totally no recollection. Or maybe he did, who knows?
Then the scraper for the glass hob top. Hadn't had a blade for it in years so was tossed, with the idea of finally buying a new one. Could never find one! So, more years and we did without but I was always looking, not actively (my life isn't quite so boring) but you know, when you're out and about. I'm messing about in the shed this day and find... a new scraper, still in the packet. Who bought it? Probably me but it could have been anybody and neither of us knows when or how long it had been lying there. I'd only the week previously... I remember this part... bemoaned never being able to find this totally simple tool 'surely someplace has them!' And now here was one, must have been found, somewhere. This one had better last a long time as if it needs replacing, I still have no idea where to buy one! To add insult to injury, we've done without for so long, we find it not as useful as we'd hoped anyway.
...........................
It's a new day and before continuing to write this I checked my mail. Switching from mail to browser and I forgot why before the browser was open. It was to do something, prompted by... something... I just read in a mail! But I have no idea what, so... it's this that annoys, worries me, the most. I do this regularly and it really hinders me. My best bet is to just leave it alone, literally forget about it (how ironic is that) and sometimes, just sometimes, it comes back to me. But I'm talking seconds here. So even saying 'right I'll do it now before I forget' leaves me lost. Hmmm.
None of the above would speak for me being a very good witness I'm thinking. 'Yes your honour, it was definitely him. I remember seeing... [fill in the gaps].' Any good defence lawyer would rip me to bits! Totally unreliable testimony! Which would be so unfair if I really did remember something eh? :)
Even old memories, I sometimes wonder if I muddle them. They are my memories though so I suppose it doesn't really matter. Until it does. Like, if it causes a dispute about something important. You never know. So that's another wee worry. Me? Worry? Nonono.
I know that as my own mum got older we'd be saying 'aye, she's getting a bit... you know...' and I really don't want that for myself but worry I'm heading that way. Just don't let me catch you saying it!
Maybe I should start hanging address labels on everything, just in case, like evacuees during the war.
If you see me wandering about in dressing gown and slippers, please return to...
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