Apparently, I snore. AND the rest! Now, this is nothing new. What IS new, is him refusing to listen any longer and decamping to the spare room. I don’t really blame him, but I’m a perfectly lovely bedfellow otherwise I’m sure?
It’s comical in a way as I have been sending links on various ‘cures’ for snoring to others with horrendously snoring husbands (you know who you are!) and here it’s me that is the prime candidate. I’m also up at the loo 2 and 3 times a night (disturbing), cough, and clear my throat continually this last six months (uber-disturbing and apparently the last straw) and have a tendency for jumpy legs which disturbs me too, have to say. So I can’t really blame him but still do not approve. We’ll be getting separate hotel rooms on holiday next!
He is ‘lucky’ that I’m so deaf because I just know he snores to beat the band himself! The fact that the smoke alarm could go off and the fire brigade hack into the window and still not have me hear anything, is beside the point. Burglars could come and go with impunity, I’d be quite jocose as long as I didn’t see them. They wouldn’t disturb me unless they physically rolled me out of bed. Well, then of course there would be all hell to pay (not least because they’d be plucking out their eyes at the sight of me) and they needn’t think they can come and burgle me now because he hears pins drop on cushions from three flights up. Or biscuit tins being surreptitiously opened. Equally irritating!
I am wondering though, would ear-plugs not cover more disturbances made by me? Everybody surely turns over in bed a few times so it can’t be just that. It’s the ‘noises’. I apparently run the whole gamut of nightly noises, plus the coughing and spluttering that has held on for way too long now to be at all conducive to a happy marriage. So I can imagine him lying there, seething, thinking of ways to do away with me and finally capitulating to the call of the spare bed.
The flipside of all this is that he near gave me (and by consequence, himself) a heart attack the other night. He’d thought, ‘give it a go’ and joined me in the marital bed. When you go to sleep alone and you suddenly feel the bed wobble… well. ‘Who’s there?!!’ My yell had him near leap out of bed in one go. I of course immediately realised, gave him a pat, (‘oh, it’s you’, I don’t really remember) turned over, and started snoring again (I’m reliably told). He lay there with his heart pounding in his throat having to listen to me for another hour before giving in and stomping off to his quiet corner upstairs. So, give him his due, he does try and put up with me.
My jumpy legs are also why we rarely watch a film together. That, and of course my inability to follow a story without asking questions, or speculating on next moves, or speaking to the characters performing whichever scenario they find themselves in. I don’t do it in the cinema (although we rarely go) as you have to whisper there, and then I don’t hear the response. At home though, how can you not? I hear myself even when watching stuff alone. So there’s that.
There are enough irritations around here (sufficient for a
whole book, probably) without me manifesting as THE irritant to beat all
irritants. I’m well aware of my shortcomings and don’t want them to multiply to
divorce degree. So, c’mere you Internet and supply me with at least a decent
snore prevention kit. I refuse to let 50+ years of sleeping together end in
separate beds!
