DEAF is as DEAF does!

This DEAF malarkey will be the death of me yet. Dead inside, more than, you know, dead dead. I maybe have mentioned before about honestly worrying... about being old (old old, before the snarky remarks) and I’ve finally been dragged into a home and they just think I’m mental but I’m really just deaf and they haven’t charged my processor, or put it on even! And I’m old, maybe a bit loopy? And can’t tell you I’m not hearing right… something like that? Or, I’ve had a stroke and scoring less on my check-up because I can’t hear, no processor on, and not capable of telling them.

You just know they won’t think of it and I dread to think of how many old buddies are currently in the same boat. I’m sure things will go wrong, as they do. Even now, while I'm fully compos mentis it happens (hold those snarkisms). Anyone that could speak for me and ensure I’m tuned in won’t always be around. New staff arrive, new ways of doing things, it happens. I might need to get a tattoo with CI WEARER on my forehead or something. With a bag around my neck for my charger and batteries for the hearing aid. Then of course I'd still need to rely on folks actually knowing what my tattoo means. People still don't know... loads of folks. Why would they?

I was reminded of this frequent nightmare because I attended a new (to me) doctor at the health centre the other day. All plastic apron and hat, and with a mask of course. Blablabla - my mask with HoH sticker on means nothing - so I tell him, then he actually ROARS at me. Anyone with any degree of hearing loss will tell you, speaking louder to us does not help, not even a little bit. He actually hurt my ears so loud. Articulate speech was out the window too though - mask - and he didn’t remove it, nor replace it with a clear facemask, which you would think a year into the pandemic he might have had handy. People just do not care!

Then upon listening to my lungs, I made the mistake of speaking, explaining this and that. He shouted ‘don’t speak’… okay. Then when he was finished he said… he actually said to me, after me explaining about me being hard of hearing… ‘I can’t hear you at all with the stethoscope in my ears you know.’ I just smiled, he’ll have seen my eyes smile I suppose, and I said ‘Well you should realise now what it’s like?’ ‘Hahaha’, said he, continuing to speak to his laptop, behind his mask.

So you see, I KNOW, I positively KNOW there will be no difference, come the time I really, really need help. I actually manage okay despite masks, with my CI processor, but believe me, others definitely do not. And if I’m unconscious… I want to listen too! Just in case! But no one will tune me in. I do wonder if it is even a consideration in old folks homes… care homes, whatever they call them.

Now, I’m not saying I don’t take advantage of being able to switch off at times… avoiding the noise from the dentist’s drill is definitely a plus, for instance. There are lots of scenarios where we deafies have one over on you in the hearing community. In general, though, it is shite and not to be coveted.

I have been sleeping on the couch for a few nights recently, coughing like a horse on crack, ending in gagging noises (ergo, visit to doc and lungs checked, all perfect if you can believe it, nobody does). I’m sure the neighbours are kept up too. But of course I don’t keep my aids on when in bed (or on the couch). When I eventually awoke the other morning, I opened the blinds and thought ‘I’ll make his coffee, take him up a cup, he’s not up yet.’ Jumps back in amazement - the coffee machine was on already. He’d been down and gone back up again. Now this machine, anyone will agree, it’s like a jet taking off and it goes on, seemingly interminably when you want to get a word in. The racket is huge. Yet I do not hear it (even if awake actually), without aids in/on. Not even if I stare at it and strain to hear, because I KNOW it's making a noise. Not a whisper. It's quite disconcerting. I don’t hear the toilet flush either, or the shower run, and a herd of buffalo could crash through the house, I would sleep on because… DEAF.

I cannot stress this enough and it’s why I say deaf instead of hard of hearing because, well, just what does that mean? In some situations, you’re ok to chat? With certain people? Particular places, not? Masks on or off (this is of course a new and horrible situation for all deafies)? So, technically speaking, I’m HoH, but practically speaking, *I am deaf*. The next one that says ‘but you’re wearing hearing aids’ GETS it!

So yeah, hate this shite with a vengeance but hugely grateful for my CI especially, (my hearing aid is useless to make me functional on its own, but handy to round out my processor). I'm honestly pretty fab at this hearing thing, with my CI processor on. Even with masks on, with a bit of consideration from the person addressing me.

So please, anyone that knows me but especially family, make sure they tune me in come the apocalypse, will you?

Caroline Mackie, 15^th April 2021