A Coronation Rant

Sae, Ah’ve bin hinkin. Nou, this isnae eywis a guid hing. Me hinkin kin lead tae… ither stuff! 

Ah’m nae whitisface… Aristotle, wis it? No bi a long chalk, Ah’m no tryin tae big masel up nor nuhin. I dae lik tae… gie mah heid the reins… so tae speak. Jist noo’n again mind. Sae aye, thir’s suhin been nippin mah heid, so Ah’m jist gonnae say it.

This coronation nonsense. Whit’s aat about eh?

A grown man, a multi-millionaire bi aa accounts, well, we know he is acause they aw tell us he is… getting a fancy, schmancy, historical bunnet placed ceremoniously on’s heid, an we’ve aa tae pey fir the pleasur o watchin it aa happenin. Nou, is this 2023 or no?! Ah jist cannae get mah heid roon it.

Why?… why in the name o aa thit’s sensible, are the high heid yins o Scotland no protestin… an Ah mean *officially*… about this? Ah mean, huv they loast the plot entirely? Is the NHS on its knees or no? Are thir nae loadsa folks on the poverty line an below? Is the hale country no toilin, espeshally since thon Brexit catastrophe!

There’ll be some in England no up for it either. Surely? Thir’s foodbanks in England tae! Aa naw but, ‘let’s aa eat Coronation Quiche oan the 6^th o May’ (mah fit went near through the telly at thon man haunin out recipes!). Mah daughter’s birthday tae! Making me p’d off at celebratin, in case anybody hinks ah’m cheering on Chookie! As if!

Ah read suhin the day. About hou if Charlie hid been some divorced Scouser (fir instance) insistin on… well aa he’s insistin on… o course it widnae be allowed! Marryin the bint (also divorced mind!) wi whae he continually cheated on his kids’ mither, aa throughout thir marriage! Aye, yer a great example tae the world the pair o ye! An Ah've no got anyhin bad tae sae about divorced folks per se... it's the hypocrisy o it aa! They changed the law so's she cuid become Queen... or consort or whitever backward bollix it aa is.

Nou, ah ken, it’s a history hing, ‘s mammie wis the Queen, acause o history tae… ah get it. This time though, they hud a chance tae, likesy… move oan! Make new history! Bring the bollix up tae date, why don't ye? He shoulda said ‘Ken whit, Ah’m out o here! Time tae ca’t quits’. There’da been nae complaints frae me if he hid. Or even, ‘Here’s some largesse fir aa yous, mah people’. Spread it out a bit, man!

Frae nou on, aye, sure, y're King… on ye go pal!... but huv ye no got enough money tae pey fer it aa yersel? Ah’m hinkin aye, ye dae. Make yersel properly popular! Bit naa, ‘let’s have everyone (aye aye) swear allegiance… to me, their King.’ Ye couldnae make it up! Ah’m runnin out o exclamation marks about nou.

Thir’s hunners o thousans o folks in the UK, no just Scotland but nationwide, yaisin foodbanks! Aa ye get is politicians sayin hou wunnerful it is the wey folks rally roon when folks is short. It’s acause o you lot thir short! They’ve just nae shame. It shouldnae be lik is!

I keep hopin tae see some official notice saying that it’s no Coronation Day in Scotland, acause it bloody isnae. It jist isnae. I might have missed suhin in the news. I’m no known fir constantly huddling aroon aa the news channels. Mibbes thir is mair o a protest in Scotland than ah ken. Ah’ve seen a couple o ‘calls tae protest’ mind, but it’s frae *official* quarters Ah want tae see stuff. ‘Not my King’… definitely no mines.

O course, Ah dinnae bide in Scotland, but Ah’m still Scottish… British if ye will, although still hopin for independence an a Scottish passport - dinnae start me. Nane o’t matters though, if folks is aa out waving wee butcher’s aprons about next Saturday. British telly his been full o’t aa this week as it is. Ah sae wantit tae see official comments like ‘we will not be swearing allegiance’ (acause, lets face it, it’ll be lies if they dae!) an ‘we advise all Scots to follow their own hearts’.. suhin lik aat! Yet tae hear it but. Ah live in hope.

Nou, if you’re a royalist, aat’s yer ain prerogative. As ‘is is mines. Mah wee rant means nuhin tae naeb’dy, bit ah’ve got it out mah heid, sae thir’s room fir ither shite. An ‘is is some shite, man. A King tae be crowned, costing houiver many millions o pounds frae public funds. It’s a bloody crime. It's pure theft is whit is is! S’ah’m done. Ah’ve said mah bit. Ah dinnae want nae revolution nor violence o any kind, ah jist want shot o aa ‘is royalty bollix an a bit mair accountability tae it aa. Please an hank ye yer royal majesty (tugs forelock an curtsies lik the wee princess ah’m ur).