Nails

It's 1980-something and I'm ensconced in the therapist's chair in Weesp, NL. The voice drones on in the background. Her accent is irritating me because I asked her to speak English as I ‘hear’ that better without having to concentrate… but I forgot I’d then have to contend with the Dutch accent, silly of me. 

‘Just listen to my voice, concentrate on only my voice…’ only I’m hearing ‘Joost leesten to mai voois, coancentrate oan oanly mai voois…’ so that’s all I can concentrate on, the accent.

It was a complete bust. The whole ‘get hypnotised to stop that bad habit’ gig (nail-biting in my case - I'd heard it worked for smokers) really was a complete disaster and I never did go back. I don’t think I even drifted off at all. No, I know I didn’t, but I sort of pretended I did, which is stupid really. I was embarrassed to tell her, after sitting there with one hand sort of hanging in midair the whole time (‘…coancentrate oan yoh hend…’) and figured she’d tell me I was too ‘under’, so didn’t want the argument. There was the whole ‘you will think you are awake but you won’t be’ argument to it all and I really didn’t want the confrontation. Wimp or what?

I’ve tried all sorts to curb the nail-biting and general finger-gnawing throughout my whole lilfe. I know how ridiculous it is that I still do it and do manage the odd interval when my hands are presentable, but stopping entirely doesn’t seem to be on the cards. The nasty stuff on your fingers, the varnishing the nails, paying loads for manicures, the plain 'stop fecking your fingers up!'... the lot. The hypnotising episode was years and years ago and not to be repeated. The best I’ve done over the years was using falsies. They do look fabulous, for the short duration. I find, though, they tend to actually ruin what nails you have, so while a great temporary fix, rather defeating the purpose.

With the wedding coming up I’ve set myself a goal. Nice nails… my own nails… in time for the wedding. Coupled with the diet to fit into the already bought outfit, I have given myself quite the task, I know. I figure though, if I can make this happen, I’ll be the bee's knees around here. There’s probably a long list of irritants that P him off with a capital P but the ugly nails can set him off on the best of days. I get it! I don’t disagree! 

I have been working on the too many paracetamols (going brilliantly, have to say), I’m doing the tricks to stop the coughing (who knew there were tricks!) and I’m honestly trying to lose the weight - swimming, exercising, dieting as such… shurrup… but working at it - so all (ALL) I really need now is the nails shit sorted.

This wedding better happen this year!! Two years of Coronavirus snookered the plans twice already (hence the outfit already chosen) so this has to be third time lucky. The planning, the hoping, the subsequent cancellations - it has been really rotten! Not even so bad for me personally, in the grand scheme of things, but bad enough.

It’s going to be fab this year though and we’re all going to look fandabidosy. Kilts are involved, flights and accommodation all booked... the anticipation, extended as it has been, is killing! As MotB I will be properly representative of my ilk, with nice nails, hopefully my own for once in my life. There will be photographic evidence.

Watch this space.